Little Negro Child

I'm an a**hole

2011-05-08T22:05:00.000-05:00

Okay... let me explain. I feel like I am aware of who my close friends are... I mean really good friends, people I would depend on in a crisis, would call if I needed a shoulder to cry on, would take a trip with, hell -would even let into my home. (This number is quite small). In fact, some people who were once friends are now no longer, I have no qualms with parting from people who are no good for my life. So this group of friends is quite protected and I do a thorough screening process before I am okay with allowing people to join this club. (It's not that I think I'm so great, it just is exhausting having bad friends.)
I'm diverting from my point. Soooo what has never occurred to me that someone would consider me a great close friend, when I don't feel the same. So this friend, let's call her "Barbara" has asked me to a part of a big event for her back in December. And in a moment of poor, very poor judgement, I happily said Yes! I will be a part of your big day. Later on - she told me I would be in a role of honor. It was at this moment I immediately knew I made a bad decision. So in the meantime, I have been a COMPLETE a-hole. I have not connected with the party, been basically MIA. Well fast forward to today, the big day is two months away. I have not purchased anything, talked to anyone, I have no idea what is going on.
What I need to do, is just break the news to "Barbara". I however can't think of how to do that. I feel horrible, and I know it will be disappointing, and I feel like a very bad person. I can't make this situation better and that is ticking me off!

Until next time,
LNC

Wow... where have I been?

2011-04-02T21:49:00.000-05:00

So since the last time I've made an entry we are in a new year, I have a new goddaughter, and a new attitude (a la Patti LaBelle) - okay that last one was a lie, but I couldn't think of anything else to put at the end of that sentence. I feel like this blog has been made up of apologies - and that is no way to do a blog. But for real, how do bloggers, blog on the regular? I can't for the life of me figure out how they have the discipline to attend to a blog. At any rate, I'm not going to use this blog as a venue to make myself feel bad. I'm here now dammit! : )

Uhm so now I don't know what to say. Lol....

Ahhh. Well I will say that I'm looking forward to fully enjoying spring. The sun is shining more than it's raining so that's cool. That seems to be good for my spirits. I'm working on trying to get some big things happening in the workplace. I am excited to be the godmother of two beautiful and genius babies! I have been able to find a community of people that I enjoy, and allow me to be me and are about to take over the world....

So... that's it for now. I'm going to pace myself on this one (and work on be a little more frequent).

Until next time,
LNC

sadness all around

2010-11-04T22:45:00.000-05:00

This has been quite the week. We had a big loss in my work environment. As a result I have been up close with hurting people. It is hard for me to wrap my head around being helpful while others a grieving a loss that seems cruel. I have been a witness to varying levels of pain, guilt, anger, and confusion. And frankly, I wish there a way I could take it all away from them. I know life has its joys and its sorrows.. But these type of sorrows SUCK.

Until next time,
LNC

mentorship blues

2010-10-23T23:31:00.000-05:00

Recently this LNC had a birthday. Wooohoo! I'm enjoying the 30 club. I had a great time celebrating and as soon as I find my camera I will post some pictures of that adventure. It was nice to spend some time away to suspend reality and just do things that I enjoy.

Before my birthday excursion I was struggling with severe burnout. (Mostly job related.) At work, I wear a lot of hats, one of the newest hats requires me to be a mentor/supervisor of students.I serve as a co-advisor with one of three groups of students. Recently there has been some "tension" (putting it mildly) between the other co-advisor and myself. (Although now that I think of it, I am pretty sure that the co-advisor is completely unaware of what I think of her and her decision making choices.) All semester I have been trying different strategies to continue help this particular group of students all while not letting them in on my contempt for the co-advisor.

Well this past week two students within this group asked to me with me to update me on some things regarding the organization. They proceeding to tell me about how they have been demeaned by the co-advisor and how things are different within the group when I am not around. It broke my heart. I found it hard to digest all the things that occur in my absence, particularly when this group of students who work so hard on behalf of this organization. So now I'm left with the task of figuring out how to resolve this issue in a way that is mature and helpful. My gut response truly is to pull some mean verbal punches. I'm rambling... I see. I think it is because this issue is far from being resolved and I know that it won't be in a way that is satisfactory to all involved parties. Someone will be disappointed. I am going to keep thinking through this and come back with the updates...

Later,
LNC

my new beginning was almost the end

2010-10-11T22:15:00.000-05:00

In thinking about the theme for the week - I decided to focus on the randomness that is my life... I often get into quite bizarre and often hilarious situations. So this week I will share some of those.

I am not sure about most people but for me I don't recognize that I am "in a funk" until the funk has almost passed. So I am beginning to feel the funk lifting. In the meantime a lot of things have not gotten the attention they deserve, one of those things being my home. So in an effort to have a first step, I decided to work on the light on the front steps. It had been out for some time, and I figured I would just go ahead and replace the bulb before I head out. Seems easy right?

So I get the light bulb from the cabinet. I get to the light and realize the switch is off. So I am thinking, is the reason there is no light because the switch has been off - all this time? At any rate I flip the switch well the bulb was not working. So I unscrew the old bulb and beginning to screw in the new bulb. As I screw in the new bulb I notice a few sparks. (In my mind I think - oh, this will go away if I continue to screw in the bulb!) Well the sparks stopped but the popping and buzzing and smoking took its place. I almost electrocuted myself! This LNC would have been taken down in the prime of her life. So I flip the switch off grabbed my keys and got the hell out of the house. I couldn't take the pressure.... lol.

So now I am back at home, my front steps are still dark, but I have a good story to tell.
Maybe that means the rest of the week will be smooth in comparison.
Here's to wishful thinking,
LNC

where to go from here?

2010-10-09T19:04:00.000-05:00

I've made a pledge of sorts..... to write at least twice a week. Sounded pretty easy at the time. I have been staring at this blank "new post" page for 20 minutes. I have nothing to say or type rather. That is not entirely true, there are a ton of things I could go into: work, family, friends, hopes, dreams, wants, needs.... To have it all written out before me would be a little unsettling I think. It is much easier for me to ignore such things if I can distract myself with a new thought. I think there is a bit more stumbling in my future until I am on solid footing. I don't really think of myself much as a writer in fact in the family my sister is the writer/poet. I just am full of opinions..... (a trait surely inherited from my dad). I am going to work on figuring out the best way to share those... Perhaps a theme for the week... to tackle the two postings. Yeah.... I like that idea..

I'll be back ...
LNC

Ok I'm back for real this time..... lol

2010-10-08T20:21:00.002-05:00

Wow
So it has been almost TWO YEARS since my last entry. Had it not been for a friendly "intervention" of sorts more time would have surely passed. I have a terrible habit of moving on to the next thing, I guess it is more than a habit this LNC has made it a lifestyle. Part of me wants to go through all of the foolishness and mayhem that has transpired. The other part of me is tired to even begin that list. Soooo maybe that will be a post for another day. After all this is my first time back in quite a while. I will pace myself and work on being more frequent in postings. I will say that as I look ahead to a birthday around the corner, I am appreciative of those who are close to me. I am getting quite adept at finding great people to surround myself with these days...

Until next time,
LNC

back in business

2009-04-15T23:02:00.002-05:00

It has been quite some time since I have visited my blog. I have a lot of excuses/reasons why...
1. Intimidation- thats a hard one to type. I pride myself on being level-headed, "reasonable", etc. So after being introduced to blogs within the past year I was inspired to begin my own. Just like with many other things those bloggers made it look easy. I figured surely sharing my thoughts and feelings would be simple after all a big part of my training requires I be in touch with my thoughts and feelings as often as possible.
2. Opposition to routine- after a handful of post, I became distracted. I start the blog on an impulse and not much time passed before my impulse lead me to something else.
3. Feeling irrelevant- Im still trying to make sense of what direction if any I plan to take the blog and so this initial start up is tougher than I imagined
4. Putting it out there- regardless of my topic, or frequency of blogs- I need to recognize and continue to come to terms with putting it all out there...

see now I feel like Im rambling.... so I'll stop - for now

LNC

new job new location new attitude

2008-10-03T13:34:00.002-05:00

a lot has happened since my lastest entry...

Im at the new job, im loving it! So much so its scary. I wonder when the other shoe will drop, or when the shine will fade, and I begin to see things for what they really are- will I still feel the same. At any rate, until then Im enjoying myself, meeting new people, learning new things. It was definately one of the best decisions Ive made in a long time. I can't recall every feeling this positive about a work experience.

Yeah me!

cant shake it

2008-08-05T16:42:00.002-05:00

today has just been one of those days. when I got in the car -it wouldnt start. I was in such disbelief I must have tried to get the car started for like 25 mins, taking the key out the ignition, making sure all buttons and knobs were in the off position. (my automobile expertise is quite limited). so it turns out the battery was dead as a doorknob. fortunately, i was able to contact a mobile repair service and they came out to replace the battery. this of course meant i was like 2.5 hrs late to work. it has just thrown me off and bummed out for the remainder of the day. and i keep getting this eerie feeling like something awful is right around the corner.

i dunno- cant seem to fight the pessimism today. ... it would be nice to be wrong about this though...

mommy's coming

2008-08-01T10:22:00.005-05:00

so Mom is visiting for an entire week, 8 days and 7 nights to be exact. Im excited to see her, its been 4 months. But 8 days with just the two of us could be a recipe for disaster. My saving grace is work, we wont be in each other's face all day - and that will help. Im looking forward to hearing how I need to be a better home maker, driver, dresser, etc... lol. The idea is Mom is coming to help me pack it all up- as I prepare for my exodus. Which couldnt have come at a better time. I started packing then got overwhelmed as boxes began to pile higher and higher. This is my 4th big move in 6 yrs I should be used to it. At any rate, I definately appreciate her coming out to help.

Im trying to rack my brain around "cost-efficient" (I am moving-can we say expensive as hell) fun things to do. I thought about pedicures, lots of window shopping, maybe even a fancy brunch or something. We'll see how this thing pans out.

The funny thing about this is- even Mom is coming to help me pack and clean up- I have to pack and clean up for her arrival. What is that about? Im sure Im not the only one who has the parent coming to visit- got clean and prepare ritual... I wonder if my Mom does that when I come home, or did she do that when her parents would visit her? Its all about making our loved ones feel comfortable.

until next time...

LNC

all that for a ticket

2008-07-30T13:15:00.002-05:00

so ive been playing around with some of the settings on this thing all morning. truth is - i like to press buttons so i could spend even more time trying to get things "just right".

my dad had minor surgery in june... which required him to take off work, and go to physical therapy about 2 times a week. He is getting better at following the doctors orders but in the beginning- it was a struggle. Despite the fact he had no medical degree- he thinks in fact he knows he has the remedy for all that ails him or anyone else for that matter. so because he's been at home recuperating I call more often that usually to check in -and he updates me on gas prices, Olympic trials, Barack's oversea excursions, etc... This is cool. Im enjoying it -it seems like we are beginning to relate to each other like adults, as opposed to daddy and baby girl (which is what is does call my sister and I from time to time). No harm done- really.

So because he is at home most of the day alone he finds all these things to get into. Or problems that need to solved or straightened out. Some of the problems are valid (grass needs cutting) some of them- make me wonder about what happens to people with too much time on their hands. I call last night, just to check in. My dad sounds distracted and concerned about something- i cant tell all in the way he is saying hello. I figure he will get around to telling me as he is not one to hold his tounge. So I go into my usually line of questioning, how was PT, what's Barack up to, etc. He responds but I can tell he is not up for the small talk today.
So finally i ask- Daddy whats wrong?

He says I cant believe it... I can't believe it.

What???

I lost my lottery ticket!!!

I began to laugh in amusement.

Naw naw this is serious business.

(I heard things rattling in the background, noises fading in and out, he is clearly pacing around the house.)

I had it in my shirt pocket and now I cant find it...

Well Daddy- im sure it will turn up.

Okay so I utter more reassurances. He is not having it. I need to put this in perspective. My dad buys lottery tickets fairly frequently. Not a lot of them- but enough to be a part of the action. During one family dinner where my Dad was leading the blessing of the food at the end of the blessing he asked the Lord for the lottery numbers. "Help a brotha out" he said. So he is quite distraught by having misplaced this ticket. I dont know if he ever found it- and I'll check in later to see what happened.

But man my parents are characters...

18 more days

2008-07-29T10:00:00.000-05:00

So im 18 days from being FREE!!!! referring to my current work situation...

Fortunately I will be heading to much greener pastures at my next gig and im looking forward to being there soon.

In the meantime, however, I have to deal with foolishness here. Im working in a very small department with all white women and one white man. In addition to being the only "little negro child"- I am also the newest person in the department, so my days are sometimes very isolating. I try to relate to what happened on American Idol, or constant talk about their body perceptions, or how being a mother has made them even more brilliant, etc. (Im sure these topics are not strongly correlated with ethnicity). All in all this work situation has really call my Blackness to my attention. (The afro Im sure is adding to their perception of what kind of Black person I may be.)

They are not very happy here- and that attitude has been made painfully aware to me. Being new is weird because you can sense something is off, it just takes a while to make sense of the climate.

Im sure I will get around to all the foolishness that has happened here at some point, its too much to type now and I wouldnt even know where to begin. I guess I do really... 18 more days! is a good place to start.

Im so excited I have a countdown chart on my bulletin board in my office. (im not used to subtletly). Right next to my "Bang head here" sign.

Is it time to go yet? ....naw just 1:05

i did it...

2008-07-29T08:30:00.000-05:00

Ive been contemplating for a while if I should start a blog.... In the grand scheme of things it might not seem like such a big deal but for a private person like myself.. this is HUGE.

Could I be discplined enough to write on a fairly frequent basis? What in the world will I say? I have no idea ...is the real answer to those questions... Lets see where this takes me...

I can't believe I did it.